Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

A little lady with a big gun

August 13, 2005

I love a good martini. All these years I've had friends order martinis and I'd get a beer. Well, not anymore. Give me a martini instead.

A martini's a social lubricant. You'd say things you wouldn't normally say, which really is a good thing sometimes. Let it all out. I'd love to hear your stories. I won't judge you, for I've probably done worse. If not, well, maybe you shouldn't have had that third martini.

We went out drinking tonight. It was wonderful. Our waitress was gorgeous and she knew it. My investment partner and I would watch her walk away slowly while our female friend would roll her eyes back. Men.

No wives tonight. They're at home with the kids.

He took off early. She and I were in no shape to drive, so we headed to the nearest coffee shop to waste a few hours to sober up.

It was cool. Santa Barbara with lots of beautiful young women walking down State Street as I had a nice martini buzz going. What a life.

She told me about the guy who broke through the glass and into her house. Bad idea. She drew down on him and he did the only reasonable thing. He ran so fast away from her house that he would have made Carl Lewis proud.

Of course, this story didn't make the papers, and neither did it make the crime statistics. No reason for a police report. At least one thing's certain though. This guy won't be coming back.

You live in a rough area, you better keep a gun in your house. Even if you forget to load it, robbers won't know that. They may be stupid but they don't want to take a chance with Death.

I've made financial mistakes like you couldn't believe. I've lost $43,000 in one day once. But even before that, I took some economic chances that most people won't take. And I paid for it, dearly.

Once I was so broke, we lived in an area with crack dealers across the street. Crack dealers and gang bangers. Every apartment but ours got robbed. Why not ours? Because they knew that not only did we have bigger guns than they did, we'd have no qualms using them. And they knew the courts would be glad to see three college students, especially two young good-looking ladies and a young ambitious man, knock off some drugged up welfare punks. So for their own safety, they left us alone while they robbed every single one of our neighbors.

Regular people with guns. The one thing that criminals are scared of. You think they're scared of cops? You got to be kidding.

Sociologists have found that people who fear crime the most are people who are least likely to be affected by it. So you have upper-middle class white folk, good people, just ignorant, who want to ban guns to cut crime. Wrong. Ban guns and good poor folk won't have a chance against thugs. I know, I've been there. And so did my new little lady friend I shared martinis and coffee with tonight. And she had her little baby with her. Who knows, if she were unarmed, that could have been real ugly.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.