Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

He smells like a European

August 15, 2005

I love Santa Barbara. If you've never been here before, make a point to come down. If I buy a house here, you're invited. Just give me a week's heads up so we could do some cleaning beforehand. Mrs. Zombieslayer and I are both reformed slobs.

Santa Barbara's right on the ocean. It's absolutely gorgeous. The mountains are right behind the city, keeping the town from growing further. Also, Santa Barbara has the most strict architectural codes I've ever seen. New buildings have to be white or light colored with tile roofs. The city looks right out of the Mediterranean. Oh, buildings can't be more than three stories. I think that's because of earthquakes though.

On the beach, you will see people roller skating on the trail between the palm trees. The volleyball courts always have players. The problem we have is we're mediocre players and some people take the game too seriously. I don't play with those people because seriousness interferes with my drinking.

Many women love to shop Santa Barbara. It's sexy. If you like shopping, you'll love the stores. Just walk up and down State Street and you'll have a wonderful time. Great for the guys too because we could watch you shop as we have a martini or two at one of the outdoor cafes.

One thing about Santa Barbara though is it attracts Europeans. That's good and bad. I like Europeans. They're interesting, they're fun, and they're different. I've enjoyed many a soccer or volleyball game with European tourists. But one thing I don't like about Europeans is that too many of them do not take their smell seriously.

I have heard differing accounts of why that is. Some folks said they don't shower every day. Some say that they do shower every day, but they'll put on stinky clothes right after they get out of the shower. Whatever the case is, it is becoming a saying among locals that when someone smells bad, they smell like a European.

I've smelled bad before. I've been camping for days and the only cleaning I've managed to do is jumping in a river and going for a swim for an hour. That's way different. If I'm not camping alone, it's understood that I stink because they stink too. I don't wear deodorant either when camping. That's just silly and pointless, and defeats the whole point of being in nature.

When I come into town though, I'm going to smell neutral. And that's how most Americans are. Europeans don't understand that though. They often just try to cover up their stinkiness with more cologne. No, that's even worse. Now you have cologne competing with body odor. By the way, when the zombies come, you don't want to stink. Am I right, Zombie Lama? Is a stinky person more visible than a stinkless person? Before he answers, I'll assume so.

So Europeans, you're most welcome to America. I like having you here. You're fun to talk to and cool to play volleyball and soccer with. But please, do us a favor and shower everyday. And if you already shower every day, change your clothes on a daily basis too. Thanks, and enjoy the rest of your vacation in Santa Barbara.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.