Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

What if the zombie plague starts when you're at work?

December 13 , 2005

We as a society need to start taking this upcoming plague more seriously. The problem is, most work environments are not suited to defend oneself and one's co-workers against a zombie assault. As is, most of us will be sitting ducks. If I were running the show, it won't be that way.

You remember when you had to do those fire drills at school? Well, once a year, each employer with more than five employees will be required to have a zombie outbreak drill. That means all employees must practice holing themselves up in whatever work environment they're in. Truck drivers, pizza deliverers, taxi drivers, etc., will be required to have at least one gallon of water, one thousand calories of food, a shotgun, and a box of 25 shells in their vehicles at all time. I'm not too worried about postal employees.

Each new office building must have at least one window that opens in case employees will have to dispose of an infected co-worker. There is that one hour window between death and resurrection when employees can safely throw a co-worker's body out the window.

I have a limited understanding of architecture, but I fully understand for engineering purposes, some buildings cannot have open windows. Therefore, a chute must be installed on each floor that an infected co-worker can be dropped down.

You know how there are signs that say "in case of fire, break glass" besides a fire extinguisher? Well, each story will be required to have at least two of those boxes, except in this case, they contain loaded shotguns and the signs would reflect a zombie assault instead of a fire.

Doors will need to be reinforced and easily lockable from the inside. Buildings must have the first story of a material that can withstand pounding. Since zombies cannot climb, it would be overkill to require the second story to be zombie-proofed as well.

Friends, we cannot trust out governments to protect us from the upcoming zombie plague. If the richest country in the world cannot respond to a hurricane, how do you think it would fare against a zombie outbreak? We can however change our building codes to help make us safer.

Let me know what I left out. Those with the best ideas will be given jobs in my newly created department of Zombie Defense if I get elected. If I don't get elected, God help us all.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.