Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

Places not to visit - Part I

June 1 , 2005

I have a list of places to visit. Unfortunately, I have to work so only a few of these places get visited every year. These places are places recommended by friends or places that I'm sold on by reading National Geographic Traveller. That mag is a cool mag by the way. Luckily we get it in the local library, so I can read all the back issues and drool over the cool places to visit.

I also have a list of places not to visit because they suck. I don't like places that are overcrowded, where the people are exceptionally rude, places that smell bad, or places filled with ugliness and filth. That's why I stay away from places like New Jersey.

First on my list is a place called Western Sahara. First off, Western Sahara is complete anarchy. If I'm not mistaken, Morocco is supposed to control it, but they don't, and I don't blame them for not doing their job one bit. It's like having a retarded dog. You kind of accidently on purpose let him run around without a leash and hope he gets hit by a car, then you pretend to be sad when you get the apology knock on the door. You let your kid answer the door and maybe the poor bloke will give you $10 so you could get a real dog.

That's Western Sahara for you. It's the retarded dog you wish a car would hit.

Western Sahara is full of quicksand. If you ever get stuck in quicksand, move as slowly as possible. Yell for help but if none comes, try to slowly swim out. It's the best chance you got. But keep in mind, zombies can survive under quicksand for years so given the fact that you can't see through quicksand, as if the quicksand wasn't bad enough, you might get bitten by a zombie as well.

Western Sahara also had a civil war not too long ago. The civil war left behind anywhere from one to two million landmines. So if the quicksand and the possible zombies in the quicksand aren't bad enough, you have a good chance of stepping on a landmine while visiting Western Sahara. No thanks.

It has zero square kilometers of water and 0.02% of the entire area is arable. Since all the people are nomadic, nobody knows the birth rate or death rate, life expectancy, nor even the literacy rate, but I imagine it's not very high. Most people don't reply when they're asked where they want to go to college "I want to go somewhere in Western Sahara."

If I were an alien, now I'm not implying aliens exist or anything, so don't think I'm weird, but if I were an alien and I had to abduct humans, run tests on them, then return them, I'd do it to someone from either Western Sahara or Texas because after dropping them back off, they're all weird anyways so nobody will know the difference.

So, if your best friend is planning a vacation in Western Sahara, just tell them that between the quicksand, the landmines, and the zombies, you don't think it's a good idea and you'd rather choose somewhere else. You could even use me as a reference.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.