Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

Superpowers

September 27, 2005

I know some of you after school or work are going home and working in your labs to attempt to design a superpower for yourself. Before you waste all that time and energy, let me give you a few pointers for the superpower you're working on when the zombie plague hits.

For one, your superpower might be cool and all, but will it be useless in the war against the undead? You need to keep that in mind.

For example, being invisible would rock. Two things go against it in real life though. For one, zombies can still smell you. I don't care what brand deodorant you use. When the going gets tough, there's no way you'll be able to mask it all. In fact, you'll be worse off because you'll be depending on your deodorant to hide your smell from zombies when you should be depending on your survival skills.

Another thing about invisibility - you have to be naked. If it's sunny, you'll get sunburned in areas you don't want to get sunburned. If it's raining (Thom, this is directed especially at you), you might catch pneumonia. If it's snowing, well, you get the point.

Super strengh is nice and all, but even if you could throw a zombie a mile, another zombie might bite you in the arm while you're throwing his buddy. No good. All it takes is one bite. So forget about that super strengh concoction you're working on. It's pretty much useless in the fight against the undead.

Flight. Now, that's a power to have against the undead. Zombies are stupid for they're dead and with death, a good portion of brain matter dies. The longer they're dead, the more they've lost. So as long as you can stay in the air, all they could do is
get hit by the projectiles you rain down on them. Just don't get struck by lightning or anything while you're up there.

Shapeshift. Another cool power to have in a regular life situation, but zombies could care less if you look like Prince Charming or the Elephant Man. You're still a walking piece of meat to them.

Now don't get me wrong. If you were the one putting your paychecks into this research, I'd hate for you to abandon it entirely because of the zombie plague. With shapeshift, you will be great at boosting morale in more ways than one. For example, you'd be able to play Carol Burnett, Harvey Korman, and Tim Conway. With superstrengh, you'd be able to dig that ditch that much faster. With invisibility, well...Okay, if you're working on that one, you might as well abandon it.

If you're working on weapons, excellent. We could use more of those. Even with my friends in the postal service, we have a limited weapons cache. We could definitely use more weapons.

Finally, if you're working on the superpower to pay the bills, keep doing it, because we all have bills to pay and guns to buy so if it's superpowers that pay the bills, we'll figure out a way to put those superpowers to use.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.