Best of The Zombieslayer

The Best of The Zombieslayer

What's wrong with being single?

September 16, 2005

I had an evil girlfriend once. Since frankly FEMA pissed me off, I will now use the word "fema" to mean any botched operation or failed attempt at anything. If you have no one guarding you and you do an easy lay up but miss the rim entirely, you fema'd. If you're wide open in the end zone and the pass hits you in the numbers and you drop it, you fema'd. If you're trying to parallel park and you pop the tire on the curb, you fema'd. Not only that, I'll refer to my evil ex as "Fema."

Fema and I have mutual friends to this day. It's funny because they refuse to tell her not only what city I'm in, but what state I'm in. They do tell me however where she is at all times. This is a very good thing, so I could know what town to avoid. I'd be too tempted to grab a vial of holy water just to see if she loses two to twelve hit points when splashed.

I heard through our mutual friends that Fema now owns a house, which she somehow acquired with government assistance. That's just nice to know that someone born with money can con the government into paying her down payment while refinery trash like me actually had to earn my down payment.

Anyways, I also found out she has a degree in Women's Studies. Surprise surprise, especially since her last words to me were "I hate men! I hate men!" before I hung up the phone. Of course, I'm the sexist pig even though of our mutual friends, two of them are avid feminists and still took my side in the fight.

Yeah yeah yeah. Not all Women's Studies majors are man-haters with shaved heads and combat boots, but there's a reason why that stereotype exists and she definitely doesn't help negate it.

Apparently, she went around telling everyone I screwed her up so badly that she went single for four months. Four months! The atrocity! Forget the Supreme Court nominations, Fema went single for four months because the Zombieslayer forgot to put the toilet seat down when they lived together.

I have a good friend of mine that I'll hopefully see Sunday. I'll call him "Malcolm." Well, I've known Malcolm now for thirteen years. We've written over a hundred letters to each other between us. I've read all three of his journals, which are very good by the way, and he's one of the few people I've ever showed my first book to. He liked it, and it was he who recognized it was really an autobiography (that's why I'll never publish it).

In all the years I've known Malcolm, he's never been single. No, he's not married either, but not one week passed when he wasn't in a serious, monogamous relationship.

The guy's tall, thin, and good-looking, an excellent public speaker, driven, a world traveller, and chronically committed to a nice person of the opposite sex. He even stays friends with some of them and recently went to the wedding of his ex's brother with his girlfriend at the time.

I don't get it. How come some people are never single? I've been single before. I enjoyed it immensely. I'm married now and although it's less wild, I'm glad it happened because it's definitely more relaxing and less stressful. I don't get however why some people are so needy that they have to be in a relationship. Are people that scared of being alone? Is it ghosts? The boogeyman? Werewolves? I can understand zombies, but dogs bark when zombies come near. Is it because they believe they have only X amount of days until they turn so ugly that the opposite sex won't want them?

Anyone willing to give a try at answering for inquiring minds would like to know.

Shootin' Political Correctness in the head since May 2005. If you're soft skinned or weak at heart, you might want to try elsewhere.