Preamble
We, the special interests and money masters, having determined that the people are no longer willing, or capable of making intelligent decisions on their own, do hereby draft this new Constitution of the United States of America. To ensure that everyone gets a fair shot at success, and to bail those out that fail, to provide for an equitable redistribution of wealth, (excluding our own of course), and to ensure that people do not abuse their rights.

Article 1

Section 1. All power to write legislation shall be vested in a Congress, which is to be composed of a Senate and A House of Ill Repute, (Oops, we meant to say House of Representatives)

They shall have free rein to enact law as the people are, for the most part, unaware of their existence.

Section 2. The House of Representatives shall be composed of approximately equal number of members chosen from two opposing political parties. This will provide people with the illusion that they have a choice in the selection of their representative, when in reality all candidates will be mere puppets to us, the special interests.

Section 3. The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two members chosen by the occupants of each state. Citizenship is not required to vote for a Senator, a drivers license, (forged or legitimate), or Matricula Counsulars Identification card is sufficient to allow someone to vote for their choice for Senator.

Section 4. The times, places and manner of holding elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed in each state by the legislature thereof.

. Each House shall ensure that the legislation they pass is so convoluted and unintelligible that the average citizen could not understand it, even if they did take the time to read it.

Section 6. The Senators and Representatives shall receive a compensation for their services, and which are subject to increase upon a simple majority vote, and are to be paid by an increase in taxes upon the general populace. Each representative shall also, at public expense, be required to take numerous business trips to exotic locations which have no bearing to the performance of their duties.

Section 7. All new methods of taxation shall arise in the House of Representatives, but the Senate, at any time, may contribute their thoughts or suggestions.

Section 8. Congress shall have the power to pass any law deemed necessary to the welfare, and security, of the Union, as long as each successive law continues to increase the size and scope of power of the Federal government, and results in the continuing loss of state sovereignty and individual freedom.

Article 2

Section 1. Unlimited executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office for a term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same length of time, to be chosen as follows:

All presidential campaigns will be reformed to consist of a two part process ensuring that the peoples are both entertained, and their voices are truly heard.

First, each candidate shall be judged by the people according to their likeability, looks, and ability to read a teleprompter. A short speech shall be prepared by each candidate, and aired on national television. The public will then grade each candidate on a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest, and ten being the highest, on each of the categories.

Secondly, one debate will be broadcast on a special edition of American Idol. No questions will be asked of the candidates. Instead they will lay out their goals and vision for America. Then the people of the country will call in, voting for their favorite candidate.

The results of the two parts will be tabulated and a new president announced during half time of the Super Bowl.

Being a Natural Born Citizen will no longer be a prerequisite, as this is discriminatory and only serves to disqualify those whom the people want to chose as their leader, (We mean President)

Section 2. The President shall be the Supreme Commander of the forces of the empire of the United States, and shall be the sole entity in charge of determining internal, and foreign policy.

He shall have the power to, if Congress becomes deadlocked, to enact law by Executive Order, Presidential Directive, or Presidential Signing Statement. He shall have the power to enact treaties without regard to their effect upon the general population of the United States.

Section 3. He shall from time to time give Congress a well crafted pep talk, which serves no other purpose than to show how much the members of Congress will kiss his ass to garner favor.

Section 4. The President, and Vice President shall be removed from office by impeachment when, in the performance of their duties, they have outlived their usefulness or, offended their masters, the special interest groups and international bankers.

Article 3

Section 1. The judiciary shall consist of a Supreme Court, who are to be the ultimate authority on all legal matters within the Union. They shall decide the meaning of law, and of this Constitution, based upon their personal prejudices and various public opinion polls.

Section 2. Treason against the United States shall consist of any member of society that holds on to the belief that their government is bound by any conditions in the previous Constitution, and shall be punishable by banishment from the kingdom, or death.

Article 4

Section 1. States rights will be repealed and the states will be subservient to all demands placed upon them by the almighty Federal Government.

Article 5

Section 1. No amendments or modifications shall be made to this Constitution.

Article 6

Section 1. This Constitution shall be the Supreme Law of the land, enforceable by whatever means deemed necessary, up to and including the use of paramilitary teams to wipe out any and all opposition to duly enacted laws.

Article 7

Section 1. No ratification of this new Constitution will be required. It will become effective immediately upon the signatures of all members of Congress.

Bill of Limited Rights

Preamble

Seeing as how the people were ignorant of their rights under the old Constitution, how they were unwilling to protect them, and how they impeded our agenda, we, the special interests, and money masters, have done away with a few of them, and redefined those that remain to better serve our needs.

1. The people will retain the privilege of speaking in public, so long as their speech remains politically correct, and is not offensive to any individual, or group of individuals. The Supreme Court will be the sole determining body which will decide just how much religious freedom the people are allowed to enjoy. The people will retain the right to privately criticize the actions of their government, but any public display, protest, or written material will be considered treason and subject to monitoring, or the appropriate punishment.

2. The militia of the several states shall consist of the National Guard and shall be subject to the requirements of the President. The people retain the right to bear arms, (after all they were born with two of them) as long as they are not overly tattooed with patriotic images. All weapons for personal use will immediately be turned in and any private possession of firearms is hereafter forbidden.

3. The people shall have the privilege of living in a habitation of their choosing, which at any time is subject to search by agents of this government for possible subversive activity. All property, records, and conversations, both via telephone and computer, shall be monitored and records kept on who is a possible threat to their government. Any mention of the words unalienable rights, and liberty will be enough to result in monitoring and possible detainment.

4. In all civil cases, the people shall be afforded the benefit of a trial by jury for their crimes. For all cases deemed in the interest of National Security, the people shall be held before a military tribunal without the benefit of legal counsel.

5. Anyone finding their way to this country, whether it be by way of legal, or illegal means, will be entitled to the same benefits and entitlements as a natural born citizen.
In fact, seeing as how they are new to this country, and have limited opportunities, they shall be eligible for benefits not available to the working public.

6. The enumeration in this Constitution of certain powers shall not be construed to limit, or impede the government from enacting any and all laws it deems necessary to pursue the goals of the special interests and international bankers.

7. The powers not delegated to the Federal Government, are automatically assumed to be theirs until judged otherwise by Congressional action or Supreme Court ruling.