The Truth Would Be Nice, Just Once

Under our system of government, the people who hold office are our elected representatives and they are, supposedly anyways, accountable to us for their actions. Therefore when we attempt to contact them with concerns, or comments, they should take the time to respond to the letters and e-mails we send to them. However, if any of you reading this have ever sent any of your elected representatives a letter you are all too familiar with the fact that you are very likely to get some sort of form letter in response.

A couple weeks ago I got one such form letter from Senator Barbara Boxer which simply said, “Thank you for taking the time to write and share your views with me. Your comments will help me continue to represent you and other Californians to the best of my ability. Be assured that I will keep your views in mind as the Senate considers legislation on this or similar issues.” This is the exact same form letter I have gotten from her every time I have sent her my thoughts or comments.

Then the other day I sent Mitt Romney a copy of an article I had written which described what I expect of him if he wishes me to vote for him in the general election. In response I got the following, “I’m glad I had the opportunity to debate President Obama last night, and I hope you were able to watch. I wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for supporters like you, and I appreciate you standing with me.

Thank you for believing America can do better, and that together, we can restore the country we love. Thanks to supporters like you, we have built one of the strongest grassroots organizations in history.”

Mr. Romney is not even in office yet and already he, or his staff, is sending out form letters without even reading the comments being sent to him. Well, I for one am sick and tired of it. I wish they would just, once in their lives, be completely candid and honest with me. I wish they would simply tell me the truth.

So, with that thought in mind, I have drafted up a sample form letter that they can use to tell their constituents what they really think. It goes something like this, (and I am sending this to all of them):

Dear _________________

My staff received your correspondence the other day. Do you honestly think I care about your petty concerns? You are a mere mortal and I am a (President/Member of the House/United States Senator) and am therefore far above your insignificant station in life. I can’t be bothered with your concern that I may be violating my oath of office to uphold the Constitution. What does it matter if I am anyway, the average American does not know, nor care, what it says, so why should I care what limits it imposes upon me?

However, to make you feel like you have some sort of say in how our government is run I have hired a staff of starry eyed interns whose sole purpose is to read, and then shred your correspondence. They will then pick out an appropriate form letter to send back to you, giving you the impression that we have read, and will take your comments seriously. As if we actually care!

Please be aware that these staffers are highly trained to seek out key words and phrases, such as Constitution, rights, founding fathers, Federalist Papers, and other such words that may indicate the author of said letter is to be considered as a possible terrorist threat. All such correspondence is forwarded to Homeland Security, and a file is opened under their name for future actions should the need arise.

Please keep in mind that we view the American public as nothing more than pathetic little sheep to be manipulated and controlled, completely unable to make sensible decisions as to what is in their best interest. Therefore we make those decisions for you, and you are bound to obey the laws we enact because we are the government, and you are mere peasants.

Please continue to share your thoughts as it helps us better profile and categorize you. Just remember this, nothing you say is ever seen by me, and even if it were, it would have absolutely no impact on how I vote in regards to legislation.
Have a fine day.

Your Representative ___________________________

I would hope that those holding, and those seeking office would give my letter the utmost consideration and attention it deserves. After all, I can handle the truth. Besides, I wrote it, so I already would know what response I would be getting should they choose to answer any future correspondence I send to them.

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2 Responses to The Truth Would Be Nice, Just Once

  1. Fred says:

    That sample form letter? Outstanding – just outstanding!

  2. Neal says:

    Thanks Fred. Although I expect it, a form letter in response will be the definition of irony. In fact, if I do get a form letter I may just print this whole thing out again, and attach their form letter to it with a cover sheet that says:

    “HEY ASSHOLE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!”

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